Radioactive Adventures

I had a PET/CT scan & a bone scan this week. I have to say I learned a lot.

I had to be injected with radioactive glucose so it would show up on the PET scan. They bring it out...think small lead lunchbox. They remove it & the syringe is still enclosed in a lead tube. I had to sit for an hour & drink some tea drink. I actually fell asleep. Then you get the scan done. Pretty easy you just have to lay still for 30 minutes. After a while I started to get sore & needed to move but I didn't.

On the way home in a cab, we saw lots of police cars. They seemed to be running a drill or something...must have been 20 of them. As we continued our drive, we get pulled over by one of the police cars. His radioactive device was beeping like crazy & guess why...it was me. I was so radioactive that I set off his alarm (see Homeland Security is working). He kept following the signal & finally found me in my cab. My poor cab driver was so scared to be pulled over. Sorry!
At least these tests weren't too bad & I have a funny story to tell!

Finding the Perfect Oncologist & Surgeon

This search is very much like dating. You put the word out to the people who need to know & most likely they have a great dr. for you to see. Most of my dr. recs come from friends who are doctors or who have gone through breast cancer. And it seems all the amazing doctors are at Sloan Kettering. Hopefully I'll get an appt. early next week & we can start treatment.

Sharing the News

How do you tell people you have cancer? Of course with family & best friends you just say it. But what about acquaitances? I mean you're not really close but you will probably run into them at school drop off or the playground & you'll be bald. Kinda hard to hide! And what about your good friends who live in another country? An email about something so important? A phone call as they're at work or on their weekend. My approach...those that need to know or who see me will know. Perhaps this whole awful experience will pass & it will be something I say in passing.

Lemons to Lemonade

I've been diagnosed with CANCER. I've been trying to find the lesson or positives out of this obviously horrific detail in my life. Here's my lemonade list:

1. This may bring my family closer together.
2. With chemo, I won't have to get waxed or cut my hair.
3. The fabulous new scarves I'll get.
4. My reconstructed breasts will be forever perky.
5. My hair may actually look better when the treatments are over.
6. I'll start eating better.
7. Stop trying to be Supermom & let other people help.

I'll keep thinking because there have to be more RIGHT?

History

I never thought this would happen to me. My mother got breast cancer at 53 (supposedly post-menopausal -which means non-genetic). She had a masectomy, lymph nodes removed, radiation, chemo & stem cell transplant. It was horrific! I wasn't there for the day to day since I live so far away but when I was there. I wanted to cry, scream & run away.
She fought the cancer & was in remission for 3 years. That's 8 years total...cancer free. (Have to be 5 years without cancer before you're considered in remission). Then they found brain tumors. Her cancer metastized to her brain. She of course had them removed. Now her short-term memory is shot but she's still with us. She's had a lot of other problems...infections, seizures, etc.
Bottom line...I hate my genes. Hopefully we caught my cancer early enough that I don't have to go through everything she did.

The News

I went for an ultrasound with my radiologist. I thought it was going to be routine. I had felt a lump but thought it was a cyst as it had been in the past. After seeing the images on ultrasound, she did a mammogram. Then scheduled me for an MRI & core biopsy. Her assumptions were confirmed....CANCER.
She called my breast surgeon & had me rush down to see her. She felt my breast & measured it. 7cm by 7cm. Too large to just operate. Her thought is to start chemo first & then operate to ensure it is all taken out. But not just lumpectomy. A masectomy. I'm loosing my breast. Granted I have always hated my breasts. In my teens, I had DD boobs. So embarrassing. In my 20s, down to C. Perfection. Then pregnancy & now I'm going to loose them.
In all honesty, I'm scared. Scared that I'll look ridiculous with no hair & one boob. Scared that my kids will see me suffer. Scared that I won't be able to be there for my children when they need me the most. I know I am not the only one who has gone through this but I'm my children's only MOMMY who has to go through this.
I think it would have been easier to do this if my children were older. But they are babies & I want them to know I'm here for them. All I keep saying is PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE!